Friday, February 25, 2011

A Texas Proposal

...with apologies to Jonathan Swift...

The average Texan, upon learning of our impending 13.5 billion annual dollar budget shortfall, is greatly distressed, even more so when they learn that education spending is almost certain to bear the brunt of the budget drafter's scissors. Politicians like State Representatives Leo Berman and Debbie Riddle have suggested, and rightly so, that the majority of our budgetary woes are due to the influx of illegal aliens who, shortly upon arrival in our fair state, begin immediately to produce so called "anchor babies" in the hope that their offspring's birth-right citizenship will guarantee their ability to remain in the United States.

It is frightening to behold the neighborhoods and towns these people have colonized: whole streets where nary a person speaks English, cities overrun with the children of illegals, classrooms where "Juans" outnumber "Johns". An acquaintance of mine, a man of unimpeachable character from our state's panhandle, tells me that in some of that region's towns taco stands outnumber burger joints five to one. Indeed, he recently reported to me that the city of Pampa's last Mom and Pop diner had been recently converted into a taqueria!

I have long struggled to find a solution to this problem, but have thus far found no lasting answer. It was, however, recently brought to my attention by a learned friend that the issue of a burgeoning young underclass is not new, nor is it unique to Texas. This friend pointed out a most insightful treatise (the title escapes me) which offered a solution to Ireland's overwhelming baby boom amongst its poor in the 18th century. The answer presented in this tract was so innovative, so unabashedly efficient that I am certain it could be applied to our state's current predicament. The solution is simply to convert the glut of anchor babies from annoying drain on our state's economy to vital foodstuff and linchpin of the state's economic engine.

A side benefit of this approach is that it is certain to reduce the demand for abortions. Current efforts to shame promiscuous women out of terminating their pregnancy by forcing them to listen to the beating heart of their fetus and view it's sonogram in full blazing technicolor are well intentioned, but certainly shame pales as a motivating force when compared with the universal motivator of monetary gain. By allowing those who reside legally in the state to "opt in" to the program we can provide financial incentive for reluctant mothers to carry their child to term. What women of easy virtue would pay to have a doctor murder her child while still in the womb if she knew that in a few short months that same child, now happy and born healthy and alive, could be traded to the butcher for a hefty sum?

Texas is estimated to have about 25 million residents, of which a reputable blogger and patriot I have great reason to believe (as his site was returned on the first page of Google results) estimates 1.5 million are here illegally. The United States Census Bureau believes that 8.6% of Texans are under the age of 5. It seems quite likely that illegals under 5 -- with their community's penchant for over-breeding -- occur at a much higher percentage. I estimate it to be approximately 10%, making a total of 150,000 young illegal immigrants, or children of illegal immigrants, which would be suitable for meat stock. If the average weight of this population is placed at 31 pounds (the average weight of an American three year old) and one assumes that half of that weight is bone or organ meat that would be unsuitable for consumption Texas is currently in possession of approximately 2 million pounds of readily available meat. My local grocery store sells a pound of beef for $4.49. Assuming the retail price of illegal immigrant meat to be similar to that of beef would put the potential retail value of the meat at almost 90 million dollars. Which, once sold, would generate over three quarters of a million dollars in direct sales tax revenue!

Some might argue that the potential retail value of illegal meat would certainly be greater than grocery store beef as the meat could be marketed as "free range" and "locally produced". These people are clearly not familiar with the culture of Texas. Texans are not, generally speaking, the type to have their retail habits easily swayed by such liberal marketing gimmicks as "free range" and "locally produced".

Of course three quarters of a million dollars would scarcely dent our current 13.5 billion dollar budgetary crisis. The added benefit of reduced spending on the children of illegals, however, would certainly make up a portion of the difference. How often have the good, honest taxpayers of Texas balked at what must surely be the profligate spending of our state leaders on such luxuries as childhood vaccination and nutrition programs? As the average Texan sees few, if any, benefits in exchange for their tax burden the assumption that those funds are being absorbed by the illegal population is forgone. Based solely on my observations is seems safe to assume that by consuming the primary consumers of these services we may see a statewide savings of at least one billion dollars.

What is more, within twelve years my proposal would, if adopted, completely eliminate illegals and their offspring from Texas public schools. Turning again to the good and unimpeachable blogger of earlier record I find that the annual cost of educating illegals and their children is four billion dollars. Some may find it tempting to prematurely convert those school-age illegals over the age of five to consumable goods. At first I considered this option, but I am informed by a knowledgeable friend from the lesser American state of Wisconsin (which has already begun its own experiments in forfeiting the lives of children to compensate for budgetary difficulties) that children above the age of five become extremely difficult to process by modern meat packing equipment as they are quite squirmy and have by that age acquired a sufficient vocabulary of curse words to distress those noble workers who have been called upon to process them.

In order to realize the public education savings more expediently I instead propose that those illegals and children of illegals aged 5 to 18 years be employed at the numerous new meat processing facilities that this endeavor will necessitate. Some may balk at presenting such an employment opportunity to these surreptitious residents when so many true Americans are suffering the pains of financial hardship. To address these concerns I would create two important conditions of such employment. First that residence in a factory-adjacent dormitory be mandatory for all those so employed, with each dormitory required to include kitchens and dining halls to provide sustenance for residents and sufficient security to ensure the safety of its tenants with all the costs to be offset through automatic deductions from the compensation of residents. Secondly that such facilities be restricted to the State's many "sanctuary cities" so that any burden of lessened job opportunity be placed only on those Texans who have expressed a willingness to be put in harm's way for the sake of illegals.

The added benefit of such housing, if co-ed, is that the illegals, with their innate talent for venery, inherent fertileness and Catholic objections to prophylactics will undoubtedly breed copiously in their barracks. The issue of such adding to the state's food stock substantially. What is more, the franchise tax levied against the operations of such facilities would certainly yield, at a minimum, an additional one billion dollars per annum in state revenue. Proving, once again, that the miracle of the franchise tax, which only eight years ago lifted our state finances from the pit of insolvency, that fiscal marvel which our great governor, like Prometheus of old, brought down from on high to set aflame the economic engine of our state, can and will solve any number of appropriational conundrums.

Only now, however do we come to the true genius of my proposal, which makes it so well suited to the specifics of our fair state: Texas' unique culinary heritage. Texas has been blessed to inherit the rich traditions of Spanish, French, Czech, Cajun and Caribbean cooking. The addition of this new meat will undoubtedly spur a renaissance of epicurean delights informed by that unique Texas flavor. Imagine, if you will, succulent illegal alien baby back ribs, or the sweat tang of Texas barbecue paired with the earthly gaminess of a Mexican 2 year old. Not only will the already strong Texas tourism industry benefit from this innovation (which will surely draw large crowds to sample our bounty), but our state's many fine culinary schools are certain to become hard-sought centers for matriculation. Between revenue from hotel occupancy taxes, sales taxes on fine dining experiences and the additional tuition revenue at state schools I am confident that the remaining 7.5 billion needed to close our budget gap can be raised.

I anticipate that those lily-livered amongst us will no doubt argue that my humble proposal is too drastic, that simple steps like providing better access to family planning services, or fostering a more economically and socially stable environment for our neighbors to the south would more easily address the issue at hand. I am even told that there are those in our fine state who argue that it is the lack of access to legal relief from exploitation that depresses illegal workers wages and therefore the economy and that there is no innate reason why our state cannot accommodate these interlopers. I will hear no such nonsense. These theories, having been proposed and summarily dismissed by our state's leaders, are clearly bunkum -- unworthy of consideration or even acknowledgment.

I am certain that all reasonable Texans will find my proposal a quite pleasing and efficient solution to our pressing problem. Certainly no other endeavor thus far presented so neatly addresses both the crisis of culture that illegal immigration poses while closing our looming budget shortfall. I anticipate that it will, quite soon, be put into practice by the highest authorities of our state.


  1. Love this. Oh so passionately.

  2. Just in case anyone thought this parody of a satire strayed too far from reality. A Kansas House member recently suggested shooting "illegal immigrants" from helicopters after hearing it was an effective way to control the feral pig population.